Space and time
and depths of sea
In dreams so vivid
A revelation seen
…
In Valleys low
do you turn aside
As darkness leads
A purpose gives rise
…
Despair’s Oak door
Knocks … all is lost
yet a shim of hope
will beckon a pause
…
though weary and prone to cast a fist
Eternity awaits upon its twist
…
For space and time
and depth of sea
Are held for those
who would believe.
I know a women who is five years old
inside her heart of hearts.
She is unaware of her value
The purpose of her part.
She started out with purity and energetic zeal
but in life’s time the world would prove
its intent to come and steal.
Where once were moons and stars galore
A child’s freedom to implore
The freshness of the way you feel
When all the fairy tales were real.
Are now behind a locked closed door
but hoping for the light once more.
I see a glimmer in her heart
and pray a gift to impart
Upon a women five years old
Who seeks what only she beholds.
Written for my Mother; who has the most beautiful child like heart in her 60’s that I have ever met .. I love you Mama
Show me very plainly my Lord
Will you share a progress report
Your ways are shrouded by symbols
Although they reveal the true seekers heart
…..
Give to me the sight of three steps ahead
and maybe just a little bit more
Although your manna supplies a day
I feel uncertain and unsure
….
If faith is the key to unlock what I seek
know I will gladly give forth my need
But not knowing Your path of choice
Seems to require more than a mustard seed
….
whichever I choose will you promise me
that both will work out in the end ?
For my request is not for myself
but for one you have entrusted I tend.
Eloquent words have the least of bearing
On the ears of the Most High
It is to the heart that he reciprocates
And merely jestures at the human mind.
If darkness refuses to listen to light
And Your watchmen won’t call Your name
If no food be found on our tables
And all plunder has eroded away…
I pray the rocks will stand and shout
Because Its only You … that is worthy of praise.
…..
If all troubles go unanswered
Because the world has cast You out
If guilty charges have no conscience
I pray the rocks will stand and shout…
It is only You…
that is worthy of all praise.
…..
If all should deny you are their maker
And they force to change Your name
And You leave with all your beauty
I pray the rocks will sing Your praise…
It is only You that is worthy.
…
All that was good
And all that Is
And all that could ever be
Is found in You..
You are what is worthy to be praised.
…
If You find all weak and unwilling
And gratefullness has been slain
I pray the rocks will stand and shout
You are all that Is worthy to be praised.
Words explain feelings but how can you say
what you cant feel when you ‘ve pushed it away.
Who wants to cry ? who wants to face ?
Who wants to go to that sorrowful place ?
This mountain is building its strength wont subside
It pushes me towards the sorrow filled side.
Smells and spring fragrance they press to remind
That I have not dealt with the sorrow inside
Where do I start ?
Is it memories left behind ?
What tears need to shed ?
For what ! and for Why ! ?
I don’t want to deal with his death that he died
I don’t want to visit that sorrow filled side.
No difference … No change can come from sore eyes
I think it less pain to run and deny.
No victory No goal in wondering why
What gain can be had to wallow and whine ?
I’d choose to be angry
or work to deny,
I’d cling to believe to why I am fine
But don’t make me go !
Please don’t make me try !
I want to stay hidden from the sorrow filled side.
…. I miss you dad…Happy Birthday
I have long suffered fighting the “will” of little human beings. Yes suffered. This most literally of course has been of my own making as I have brought those little Human beings into this world. How is it that I could have ever thought that just being a good influence, using good sense, and lots of love would be all that was needed in delivering a good upstanding robot into the world of adulthood ?
Ignorance at its finest is my only answer to that question. Other then the fact that I am not God.
That said can I be frank? Thank you, because it takes an extra amount of effort for me to forge a candy coated black kettle. It just has always has been easier for me to simply call it black , and Today I am frustrated and writing this from the raw.
They say “That parenting is the hardest job in the world and I agree thoroughly, but here is why I believe this is fact.
If you have ever been in a relationship of any kind, had a dog , been a Manager, a Boss, an Employee, or ever have even slightly put up with anything that draws breath, then I am confident that it is no surprise to you that all of the above has its own free”will”.
It is in that “will” that sets the fertile stage for a battle of “wills”.
At this point I have to pause to stop and laugh a moment, because the above said has only insinuated the reasoning behind why parenting is the hardest job in the world. I was merely just painting the foundation.
To explain fully as to what makes parenting the hardest and quite arguably the most impossible job in the world: I will quote from the pages of “Today’s Parental Manual 2017″ entitled your job description as a parent”
“You are hereby expected upon your child’s birth to be fully “RESPONSIBLE” for your child’s “will” choices and behavior ” from the moment they wake up until the moment they sleep and every human activity, interaction, and wrong doing in between. It is also expected on a regular basis that you may be questioned and or interrogated on the behalf of your child’s “will”.
Authorized to conduct these questions and or interrogations are as follows :
The law of the land, anyone whom so chooses, and most commonly yourself.
Note :
1. Your child’s will is a direct reflection of your performance
2. Your child’s will indicates the competence you have as a parent
3. Your child’s will is the direct measurement used in determining your value as a human being.
Signed,
The entire world’s opinion but most commonly your own.
Does this sound fictitious to you ? well of course it is I made it up. However, although the exaggeration seems off the chart it probably doesn’t to most parents. In fact I think today’s parents are feeling this pressure more then ever. In comparison to raising my first batch in the 90’s from today’s parenting it is abundantly clear to me that the bar of good parenting has been raised about a thousand leagues and I have the honor of getting front row seats to all of that pressure.
Forced to be the enemy
In the raising and rearing of other “Wills” I have been relentlessly forced to consider the definitions and meanings of a few coined terms such as “Nature versus Nurture”, “Tough love ” and “Friend or parent”. Although these terms can be quite helpful I still find myself after 6 children feeling quite resentful at having to be the enemy. After all It is excruciating and exhausting work to say the least, and it most certainly doesn’t leave you in the best of moods.
I recall a couple years ago at work I stepped outside for a short break. As I was sitting there taking in the fresh air I noticed my boss had done the same and was in the middle of a personal call on her cell phone. As I tried to pretend I wasn’t hearing everything being said I quickly surmised that she was talking to her teenage daughter. Towards the end of the conversation I Heard her utter the words..” you are going to make me have to be a bitch arnt you? ” Now to the untrained enemy those words can seem quite harsh when spoken to your offspring, yet I was acutely aware of how credible that question/statement really is.
You see, I do not want to fight. I want to laugh, I want to enjoy. I want to live out the picture of two bathed little boys with their feety pajamas on all snuggled up listening intently to their bedtime story. I want to prepare a bowl of fruit for their night time snack and feel the self satisfaction of good parenting skills. I want to settle down at night with the image of those handsome little faces lit up with smiles and nod off to sleep knowing I have the hardest job in the world under wraps.
I do not however want to be pulled into an all out hysterical breakdown war with Korea ( AKA my boys) because bath time is considered a lifetime sentence, a bowl of fruit is not a bowl of ice cream, and bedtime is for sissies.
These are not isolated bad day examples, they are only a few of the endless fights that are sprinkled heavily upon every day of what seems like my entire life.
Most nights I complain to God about this. Here is what it generally sounds like , “God please help ease my guilt, because I feel nothing but dread for tomorrow. I hate having to endure the temper tantrums and arguing just to get through the menial everyday tasks with the boys. I do not want to feel this way Lord, Can you please help me change my attitude ? Can you give me a paradigm shift ? Or better yet can you just make my boys compliant little angels ? (We both laugh at this) because it can seem unfortunate sometimes that the gift of a free “will” includes the barring of anyone else to change it. So I pray that I am being a good influence because we both know that is all I truly have. Next I just ask if He can help me strap on my full armor of emotional warfare for yet another day of being the bouncer director referee .. and forced enemy.”
I do know that these battles shall pass of course, but I also know that the future is bleak. After all I have already raised four children to adulthood and can only surmise from experience that the battles will only “change in nature” and be exchanged with the harder things of life … in which will be fought by a teenager; and it is common knowledge that teenagers are gifted to fight like the Navy Seals of war.
At this point I think I want pause and assure you that I do love my life. My children are my heart. There is much to say about the joy of parenting and I wouldn’t change being their mom for anything in this world. But like any job, even a job you love there are bad days and things you would just rather not ever have to do. I suppose this is a big one for me and find myself weighing the difference of other jobs to the job of parenting . Sometimes I just want to punch out or have the option of blaming my co worker for any mistakes. Theatrically speaking of course.
Yes, I am a tired Mama. I want to sit and write and ponder. I want to have a string long of days without a battle in which I do not have to be responsible for messing up other human beings. I want to bathe in peaceable arguments of the intellectual kind and then gracefully take my leave out of the ring if it gets to uncomfortable.
I know that it is unknowing, but my boys are relying on me to be their enemy. I know that I am really just doing my best at being their guide and protector. However It is truely the part that is a labor of love for me. I just really hate it I don’t want to be the boss. I have never been good in that position.
I suppose I can set my sights to when they turn 18. Maybe I can take my armor off and send in my resignation papers. However I also know this is a pipe dream. It only ushers in an age of worrying from the sidelines. I suppose I am a much nicer enemy then the world will be. I suppose they will end up coming back to ask me how to fight against the enemies of the world like my older ones do now. I pray they do.
For now though I will have to continue daily with the perpetual dares, battles, and pop quizzes they throw that force me to be the enemy.
Maybe I will sit on the couch and let them eat cake and peanut butter cups for breakfast and let them go un-bathed for the entire weekend. Oh wait I did do that last weekend. I think it’s OK to delay a few chosen battles for a moment of rest ? I think for the sake of my own sanity its required from time to time. After all Being a forced enemy doesn’t bring much glory.
Minds are numb
Souls are drying up
People are drained
And giving comes from empty cups.
….
Self serving is Motive
A face to survive the day
Desensitized and suspicious
Even elect are eroding away.
…..
What say You Lord
As we claw to hang on
People are so cold and vacant
And revival seems hidden away.
…
The system has no mercy
Even death doesn’t appear an excuse
All ethics are ruled by Caesar
Respected employees surround and accuse
….
Pour out your standard to measure up
Abundant strength is needed for sheep
Clarify Your Rod Oh Lord
As the fog grows thick and deep.
Mama, I know who you are now.
I see what you did.
a task greater then the sky.
…..
They are all different are they not ?
no matter how many you call yours
my work is much the same…. but so different
I have given into “Nature”
She always knows best
and now… I just seem .. to smirk at “Nurture”
….
I know both have a say
but Nature always seems to have the last
and mine are just mere suggestions.
…..
Circles are the way of things I guess
and all we can do is our best
So I am sorry that I am different than you Mama
I am sorry that sometimes mine are different than me
…..
But I know who you are now.
I see what you did.
A task Greater than the sky.
Cobblestone beneath my feet
The morning on my face
I see a village just ahead
Its peasants rich with grace.
A women stands to hang washed clothes
Not toil of the land
Her soul fulfilled by the movement of her working hands.
We exchange our smiles to show we care
but my feet are still swift to clear
The path in which only He could start
The end with Him I’ll share.
Up in the hills and grassy fields
I see the river flow
I bend to feel the water run
So swiftly to its goal
Than I turn to look and see His face
and with his staff in hand
Our hearts exchange the perfect gift
His deaths reward as planned
I am finally free to capture
the fullness of His love
My long awaited journey
now seen from up above .
And like eternal days ahead
My being cheers the sight
That sings the purpose I exist
He is my breath My Life !
Faith Worked Out 